Deaths By Chocolate
Grade school was not a favorite event in Jack Sweets' life. Almost every day since kindergarten at the Gooey County School in Pennsylvania, Jack had to defend himself from bullies. Every afternoon before he walked home, Jack encountered Rodger Massey and two of his goons. To get passed them, he had to guess a password. If he got it wrong, Massey and his gang would make him stand in a corner and count from 0 to 1000. Jack never knew the password because they changed it every day, so Jack always had to count to 1000.
But, one day, Jack tried a new approach to getting out of school without getting beat up by Massey's and his gang. He had hidden a large 18-inch container of Tootsie Rolls, filled with 150 little chocolate pieces in the school freezer and took them out before confronting Massey. When he came around the corner, the gang was there asking him what the password was. This time, Jack said, "I don't know the password but I've got something for you guys."
He pulled out a box of Milk Duds and acted as if he was going to offer them some. Suddenly, he flashed his huge Tootsie Roll container, reared it back and struck Massey who fell to the floor while blood spewed from his nose. The other two saw what happened and fled. It was unclear how little third grader Jack Sweets had beaten up sixth-grade bully, Rodger Massey. But that day, as Massey ran from Jack, he could hear Jack call him "Toots!" The next day, after school, Sweets knocked Massey out with five frozen peanut butter cups that were glued together on his fist, then stuffed two extras in Massey's mouth. Massey and his gang never bothered Jack again because he always had a "sweet surprise" in store.
Legend has it that, jokingly, Massey got a "sweet deal," and that Jack always packed some type of deadly chocolate candy bar for anyone wishing to test him. Apparently, Jack was never the "sweet" person he was when he was younger. If he saw signs that someone wanted to beat him up, he flipped out of his pocket a candy bar. So, it wasn't surprising that when Jack graduated eighth grade, he was named, "Most Likely to Build Chocolate Weapons of Mess Destruction."
Jack Sweets went on to graduate high school without running into bullies. He skipped college so he could work at the Hershey's Company assembly line in Pennsylvania. After three years preparing chocolate treats for America's favorite candy company, its president honored him with its highest award for exemplary service to the company. Secretly though, when he prepared chocolate candy, Jack created ideas about how candy could be shaped as weapons for the Pentagon.
Four years after Jack joined Hershey's, fellow Hershey employees began dying throughout the plant. These murders were infamously known by local police, as "Deaths by Chocolate," because each person died the same way. All deaths were caused by suffocation by Milk Duds that had been crammed into their mouths. They concluded that Milk Duds were evidently more effective because they were the hardest candy to swallow.
The FBI was called in to conduct an intense investigation. Their agency formed theories that the fact that the murders were being committed with chocolate might have its killer working at Hershey's. So, the agency asked if they could interview some of their employees about the murders. Most were dismissed b in the cases.ecause they knew so little about them. When they called Jack into their office, they noticed he acted a little nervous. As the interview progressed, Jack talked and acted more and more like Hannibal Lector: "These murders were deliciously planned. They certainly knew their types of chocolates and how to kill with them."
The agents glanced at each other throughout the interview, silently signaling that Jack might be the killer. After just a few more interviews with him, Jack Sweets became the prime suspect. One year later, he was tried for murder. After the jury had deliberated for several hours, they found him guilty of murder. A few minutes later, the judge thought for a moment and told Jack to rise.
The judge told him, "By the court of Hershey, Pennsylvania, you will be sentenced to jail where you will spend the rest of your life behind bars. Do you have anything to say, Mr. Sweets?"
Jack asked, "What kind of bars will I be spending the rest of my life behind: Payday, Mars, Butterfingers... ?"
Then the judge just decided to send him to the electric chair. Not a sweet surprise!
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